I found out last week that I have a hernia, this was devastating news for me. I know, I know it's not that bad of news it could have been worst but I was so close ... so close to my goal that i could taste it. I was finally entering the 3 months/12 week prep time and purchased my figure suit and was motivated to really hit this full force.
Out of nowhere I started having pain in my groin area and just ignored it as being the weather making my c-section scar act up ... it got worse ... I went and saw family doc he agreed that it was probably a hernia, it was confirmed through ultra sound ... but I think my biggest annoyance here is the fact that now I just have to wait and see a surgeon. People are telling me the waiting could be very long. I hate not knowing how long.
The unknown made me really think and after talking with my man and with my coach we agreed that it would be wise to take it down a notch and go on maintenance mode till I get this dealt with ... but it's killing me I am so scared of losing focus. No one understands the struggles i've had all my life trying to reach a goal and giving in to my little voices telling me to just give up and finally I've been focused and now I have to just coast until I can life heavy again which I have no idea when that will be.
I live in fear of losing my motivation getting back to that feeling where the gym is a chore. I was finally in a place where the gym was my happy place and lifting the little pink weight s at the gym just doesn't feel satisfying ... I have to keep encouraging myself to not push to hard ... It's hard when you spent 2 years now telling yourself COMMON MAX PUSH THROUGH THE PAIN and now I have to tell myself to calm down and take it easy. It feels so wrong.
I know, I know it's the right thing to do and that it will help my body heal or whatever not get worse but it's the mental part i'm scared of. Like it or not it's a phobia. It's only been a few months that my mind finally got it and transformed into that person that wants to be at the gym and I live in fear of losing that again. It might look easy, and people might think you just are that type of person that likes the gym naturally but I was never that person .. I needed a real pep talk to get going ... even now cardio is a struggle for me .. I much would rather lift ... Lifting has become a stress relief to me and maybe I had to much stress one day and thought I was superwoman and lifted way over my capabilities and it got me here but thats what felt good ...
So i'm on maintenance mode till further notice :(
I will not abandon this goal as I won't be happy till I follow through but I don't want to walk on stage just to walk on stage .. I am in this to win. so I will get ripped when the time comes ... you just wait ! :P
Showing posts with label #goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label #goals. Show all posts
Saturday, August 17, 2013
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
It ain't all fun and games, but it's sure not boring !
I decided to hop on this journey in January of 2013. I've always been fuelled by goals. I always needed something that I can push myself to achieve and really I surprised myself with this one. I've always been one to hide myself in baggy clothes, I would get the large sweaters so I would not have to worry when I sit that my fat rolls would show, I always wore pants that were not tight on my stomach so i would not be reminded of how much I was really in denial about over eating and not taking care of me.
This goal was HUGE to me. To even think of walking on a stage with super fit women I could never imagine doing that. As I am getting closer to that day, I see that I CAN be part of those fit women, I can push myself through and achieve that goal. I struggle all the time still with my little devil on my shoulder telling me to cheat and eat something bad. I just punch him off my shoulder and listen to my will power and think of how proud I am that i'm sticking to this ... It's not easy and everyone doing it will tell you it's a mind game. You're constantly fighting with your mind about why your doing this and why your putting yourself through such a routine. And some that don't get it will say it's vanity, and it's being stuck up. And I do get fed up with some fitness models that constantly post pics of themselves but then I remember how hard i'm working and how looking at my progress and sharing it with others helps me, motivates me to fight and fuels me to work harder so I can be proud walking on a stage half naked with my over tanned skin and done up hair and make up and show off this master piece of a body I dream i'l have at the end of this process ... it's not vanity, it's not being stuck up .. it's pride ... and it's a sense of accomplishment and belief that you can do anything you put your mind to. Even when your mind is telling you WTF I want a drink and nachos ... :P
So I get why these ladies post pics of themselves .. and I respect their hard work physically and mentally and I can now understand where they come from.
August 2nd will be 12 weeks from my comp. Wow time is flying and i'm panicking hard ... but I will be ready ... you just wait ... and if you want to come and root for me ... save the date ... Nov 2nd 2013 is the day.
* A special thanks to the oversized clothing I used to wear to shield me from what I thought was what I needed when what I really needed was a healthy mind and to believe in myself so i could physically and mentally change, I am a much happier person that respects herself enough to take charge. (yes I sound like a self help book, but it's true)
And I have the best support ever from my friends and family, love you guys x0x0x
On another note, these are freaken awesome, they taste like cookie dough with a hint of raspberry and then pow you get these white chocolate chunks ... I'm not a white chocolate fan usually but wow this just works and with 17g of fibre per bar and 5g of carbs they are my go too bar for emergencies when i can't get to my normal meals... this is a new flavour, my other favourite flavour is the chocolate brownie warmed up a bit they are to die for ...
This goal was HUGE to me. To even think of walking on a stage with super fit women I could never imagine doing that. As I am getting closer to that day, I see that I CAN be part of those fit women, I can push myself through and achieve that goal. I struggle all the time still with my little devil on my shoulder telling me to cheat and eat something bad. I just punch him off my shoulder and listen to my will power and think of how proud I am that i'm sticking to this ... It's not easy and everyone doing it will tell you it's a mind game. You're constantly fighting with your mind about why your doing this and why your putting yourself through such a routine. And some that don't get it will say it's vanity, and it's being stuck up. And I do get fed up with some fitness models that constantly post pics of themselves but then I remember how hard i'm working and how looking at my progress and sharing it with others helps me, motivates me to fight and fuels me to work harder so I can be proud walking on a stage half naked with my over tanned skin and done up hair and make up and show off this master piece of a body I dream i'l have at the end of this process ... it's not vanity, it's not being stuck up .. it's pride ... and it's a sense of accomplishment and belief that you can do anything you put your mind to. Even when your mind is telling you WTF I want a drink and nachos ... :P
So I get why these ladies post pics of themselves .. and I respect their hard work physically and mentally and I can now understand where they come from.
August 2nd will be 12 weeks from my comp. Wow time is flying and i'm panicking hard ... but I will be ready ... you just wait ... and if you want to come and root for me ... save the date ... Nov 2nd 2013 is the day.
* A special thanks to the oversized clothing I used to wear to shield me from what I thought was what I needed when what I really needed was a healthy mind and to believe in myself so i could physically and mentally change, I am a much happier person that respects herself enough to take charge. (yes I sound like a self help book, but it's true)
And I have the best support ever from my friends and family, love you guys x0x0x
On another note, these are freaken awesome, they taste like cookie dough with a hint of raspberry and then pow you get these white chocolate chunks ... I'm not a white chocolate fan usually but wow this just works and with 17g of fibre per bar and 5g of carbs they are my go too bar for emergencies when i can't get to my normal meals... this is a new flavour, my other favourite flavour is the chocolate brownie warmed up a bit they are to die for ...
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